The Solution Is To Say Yes To Life, The Light And The Dark
This has been an interesting year to say the least, marked by a lot of synchronicity and good fortune. But I don't think I could say any more without mentioning the thing that's been pervading our recent experience. Four weeks ago our 17 month old daughter, Oriah, was diagnosed with a cancerous kidney tumor. The day we found out I was hit by a terror, the likes of which I have not known in this life time. After that, grief that brought me to my knees. Apropos to the season, my experience reminded me of the story of Jesus as he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before his crucifixion. I too pleaded with God, that this cup might pass from me. When people are going through hard times I say to them, "The solution is in the pain. Open your heart to the pain. Say yes to it. You'll find that Life has not forsaken you, it is holding you." Truthfully, it has been easy for me to say. I haven't encountered anything really hard in my life until now. But as I gather more life experience, I am finding that when things are hard, and I do this, my consciousness becomes increasingly infused with the sea of Universal Trust that apparently holds our lives aloft. So I took my own advice. I committed to welcoming into my heart, as fully as possible, that which I would feel as a result of this ordeal, but also asking for grace and mercy. I thought that my request for mercy had been answered as the tumor was successfully removed, and after living in the hospital for a week, they told us we could go home; the cancer was gone and no further treatment was necessary. But then a few days before Thanksgiving they called us back to say that, in fact, cancer had been found in a lymph node that had been up against the kidney and our daughter would now require chemo and radiation, after all. Now that was what you call a bad day. But as it would turn out, the intense fear was all about the unknown. I had pictures in my head about what my daughter would have to go through and what I would have to feel as a result of her suffering. So far, while certainly more stressful than anything I've ever experienced, it hasn't been as intense as I had imagined. And my daughter apparently doesn't carry the stories that we do about how scary this cancer thing is. For the most part she's allowed herself to be as free as a little kid should be. Going to the hospital and meeting all the new people has been part of life's adventure for her. In this way Oriah has been an important teacher to her parents. And for all intents and purposes the treatment is not nearly as intense as the treatment for say, leukemia, the most common cancer in kids. She had 6 days of radiation which she's done with. Now she receives chemo once a week, albeit for the next twenty weeks or so. So far she hasn't appeared to be uncomfortable. She's happy and vibrant. It is our hope and prayer that it stays that way as treatment moves forward. Also, the prognosis for her type of cancer is very good. They say there's a 90%, or better, chance that she'll live a long, healthy life. So likely we will come through this just fine. Already I can tell that I've been changed for the better as a result of committing to feeling what's been coming up for me. Yes, I've been ripped open, but then everywhere we've turned people have been so eager to help us and love us through this process. So I've found that, though my heart has been rent, it has been filled with the healing salve that is the love and generosity of our immediate and extended community. I'm finding that, as a result, I have a greater capacity for love, compassion and generosity myself. That's love, compassion and generosity that I can now pass on to others in my work and in my every day life. The solution really is to say yes to Life, the light and the dark, with an open heart. As I write this, it is the Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year. This time of year is magical indeed. But it's a fact of life that there are also people for whom the Holidays are hard for a variety of reasons. If you're one of those people, may this day mark the end of the darkest parts of your journey. From here on out may every day be brighter. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours, Jay, Loren & Oriah
P.S. I want to thank those of you who have shared their love and support through cards, kind words, prayers, rituals, food and monetary gifts. Your generosity lights up the new soft spot within me and brings me to tears. There are others of you who have expressed interest in contributing to our healing journey in some way. A friend has set up a crowd funding site for us. A gift of any size would be very helpful. You can also see a more detailed version of our story there. Click the link to go to Oriah's crowd funding site.
